Record Ripping Off the Victrola

So I'm going to be super-completely-stomach-turningly honest and transparent here...  Don't want to know that much about me - don't keep reading!  This is not really about anyone else besides me needing to get this off my chest anyway...but maybe it'll be encouraging to someone else.

I was browsing my sister's blog and the linked blogs over lunch here today.  I had clicked away from one and was waiting for the next page to load when a verse I've seen a million times flicked across my sightline and I mindlessly read it just as the next page came up, "1 Cor 13:4, 'Love is patient, love is kind.  It does -'"  SCREECH!!!

I almost heard a record rip in that instant.  Then God replayed a piece JUST FOR ME.

"Love is patient"

Ouch.

(Is that the reaction you thought it'd get?  lol)

I've been getting really impatient lately.  Sometimes, it feels like time is flying by as I am standing still.

In complete honesty - as much as I love my life and all the wonderful and crazy adventures I have being single - I very much want to get married and start a family.  Isn't it funny that that is so hard to admit?!  But it is true and I've come to believe it to be a God-given desire as I've watched it grow over time.  It wasn't too long ago when I didn't really think I wanted kids (I still have a deep-seated desire to take in a foster child, though)...and here I stand today, the thing I never thought I'd want, has become a goal that I can do nothing on my own authority to obtain.

So back to impatience.  Lately, I've been whining, as in, "I'm soooo tired of waiting!"  Frustration with the current state of things, watching what seems like everyone around me get engaged and have babies, added to a series of disappointments, has just been summing up to a big, "I don't wanna fight anymore!" impatience - that I'm just now realizing God is probably allowing me to go through...  Throw in a good dose of confusion on what part I'm supposed to play in this...I've got Godly, trusted advice coming in from every angle, ranging from, "You should wait and allow God to bring him to you," to, "Do you think God is going to deliver someone to your doorstep?  You need to get out there and meet people so He has a chance to work someone into your life!" to, "I'll laugh at you the rest of your life if you join a dating site...even if it does work, I'll laugh at the both of you."  What's a girl to do?

So here I sit.  And try to remember the point is, "Love is patient."  As my friend wrote to me the other day, "My thought is – if he hasn’t put the guy in front of you yet, that he is still working something in your life - whatever that may be," and,
"Let me remind you:
I serve a God that is faithful and always on time.  The God I serve answers prayers and gives the desires of the heart to those who are in according to His will."

So again I sit.  And remember that He is in control, He knows what's going to happen, and He will work His best when I wait on Him.

Love is patient...

What happens when I spend a night at home...

So apparently I needed two days to decompress from the show (see ...), but on my third night home alone, I whipped into action!  I have homegroup and my roomie's sister is coming to visit today, so I had a deadline too!

For homegroup, the first week of the month we do "community night" where we just make dinner together and eat and talk or play a game or something else like that (outings to frozen yogurt, art projects, wii games, etc).  Tonight we're doing breakfast and I have planned a secret project - we're going to decorate easter eggs!

So last night I came home and:

• made hard boiled eggs (apparently 14 eggs just barely fit in the bottom of my pan.  probably should have re-thought that one, as I ended up cracking 4 of them when I drained.  oops!  hope adam had better luck.  they were yummy though!)
• made home-made flavored whipped cream (this is actually fairly simple, done it a few times.  buy heavy whipping cream.  chill it, the bowl, and whisk.  i found the colder the better - last night i stuck them in the freezer for a while and it turned out the best yet!  whisk w kitchenaid till it starts to hold shape - add sugar and flavoring [i did one Butternut Vanilla and one Coconut] - whisk on super-high-speed till it's holding peaks, etc)
• made fruit toppings (also a simple Sandra-Lee-style thing I do, buy canned fruit pie filling.  Empty them into a container.  I cut the pieces up to be smaller & easier for pancakes/waffles.  Added powdered ginger to the peaches, and cinnamon & and bit of pumpkin pie spice to the apples.)
• cleaned the kitchen (as in, wiped down all the counters, scrubbed the sink, rearranged stuff so roomie could put all her coffee in a cabinet instead of counter, etc)
• hung a big picture (finally!  I've been in this place since November and it took 30 minutes, but I finally hung this huge picture.    This is me showing off that it is PERFECTLY level - just bought a level and have no idea why I haven't gotten one before now!  It is fabulous...)
• Rewired the tv/stereo stuff (again, another thing I've put off for months and months...now everything is all tucked into the back of the entertainment center.  Roomie said this morning, "It looks so good!  I didn't think it could look that good!"  Yeah...I roll like that, LOL)
• Fell asleep on top of my phone (woke up this morning to ringing UNDER me...couldn't figure it out in my sleep-haze and then rolled over..."Oh THERE you are, silly phone, why aren't you on the bedside table plugged in like normal?"

All in all...a pretty productive night!

'The One'

A line from a play or letter or blog or something from my college days just jumped into my memory.  Something along the lines of, "...you're out there searching, searching for 'The One', then suddenly you find him or her and everything is amazing, until you realize, he/she's not 'The One', but you figure 'The One' is out there so you go back out and search and find another 'One', until you realize, that person, too, is not 'The One', and you continue round and round this mad circle..."

Well I remember it so much better than that, so it must've been well written, but I've lost the edge of the writing with time and sleeplessness, of course.  But I remember agreeing with it so heartily back in college...all those musings on life and love during that period...

And now, just now, when it popped into my head, another thought popped up right behind it.  "'The One' is not a man or woman..." 

Wow...all this time - it's just hit me like a lighting bolt.  'The One' is Him...God himself...come on now, why wasn't this completely utterly smashingly obvious before? 

We're all searching for God - but we replace Him with someone else instead - attribute a potential beau with all the lovely things we really should be looking to God for...He'll support us - love us - protect us - guide us - complete us - hold us - speak to us - listen to us - provide for us...but when 'The One' human doesn't live up to our expectations (which are of God), the dream is shattered and we can't understand why he/she's not 'The One' after all.  We pour ourselves into this relationship that's a shallow pool's reflection of the depth and width and height and breadth of God's true relationship with us.

And we wonder why we're always disappointed.

Set your sights on things above and away from this world and you will be filled with the everlasting satisfaction that comes from knowing and loving our God the King.

What's up tonight

I always think I want to start blogging again...I used to make up blogs every time I hiked, planning to share my insights (however small) of nature, hiking in relationship to God, and His relationship to us...and then I would never write the blog itself! I guess it was a good mental exercise at least...

I thought maybe I'll start simple. A few paragraphs about my day and we'll go from there. I think I get bogged down by the 'gotta tell the whole story' syndrome - you know that's my nature, in the details, of course - when in reality, I just want to share a piece of my life.

So here we go. Today.

It's Friday. I think it was something like 86 today...last week got into the 90's. I am loving the weather right now - perfect Phoenix loveliness. Reminds me of why I live here, when I leave the doors and windows open 24-hrs a day (helps to be on an upper floor), drive everywhere with all the windows down and the music up, the wind blowing through my hair...ahhhh...sigh of contentment.

The house is a total wreck. I'm packing to move next weekend and there are boxes everywhere - barely have walkways - some packed, some empty - I have this weird packing style where I need to see what all needs to get in the box, so I empty all the drawers and cupboards before I can pack anything away...so yeah, messy is a big of an understatement.

It's hard to be a single person when it comes to things like this. You used to rely on mom and dad's help when moving out to college, etc. And then you relied on your then-guy after that. So when faced with the prospect of moving by myself, I tend to go overboard...freak out a little more than necessary, inviting 50 friends to help move, clearing my calendar for two weeks prior to pack...

It's kind of a catch-22; on one hand, I feel like I have to get big and strong and take care of things, because no one else is taking care of me...and on the other hand I feel like that strength is not what women were designed to handle. Sometimes I just feel so...weary. Of all that life requires of me to live alone and be strong. I want to change out a fan for a light fixture...repair a broken cabinet...paint an alcove...put up a heavy mirror...take out the trash and scrub the Foreman grill. And I can do it - don't get me wrong. I feel more capable than most of the women around me. Yet so vulnerable. If I sit back for too long not moving, I just get this overwhelming feeling that I am not supposed to be doing these types of things. I'm so tired of trying to be strong in a way I'm not intended to be. Probably the same way (I guess) single guys feel when they need to buy and wrap presents for people, bake a birthday cake, or decorate a bedroom (okay and if you're a guy and like doing this stuff, I'm not trying to crack on you at all, just trying to think of a common parallel).

I guess it just points to the different roles we've been created for...

In other, less exhausting news...

Saw my old housemate from college, Alex, for a bit tonight. I haven't seen her for 8 years! Wow...it's been a long time. She looks fabulous, living in New Orleans and working with FEMA.

Got a filling redone yesterday - and I think it made my jaw go out of alignment or something again...when wearing my NTI (tiny bite guard thingy) my teeth can touch in a couple places, and that's a no-no (the point is so that I don't grind my teeth to dust!) so I think I'll have to go back again...bleh...me no likey dentist :-( I realized when he finished on me yesterday, I was so weak I could barely stand. Took me a while, but I figured out it was because I had every single muscle and nerve totally tensed for the entire time I sat in the chair. Sigh...anticipation is simultaneously the best and worst sensation I think...

48-hour film challenge this weekend. Daniel and I are both 'out,' though I'm going to see if I can stop by for a bit tomorrow to help out. I came by the ideas session last night and Cori and Stronz had a good amount of stuff figured out...they're fine without me... Sometimes it feels like they could totally do without me and be fine...they'd just be a lot less organized and some balls may get dropped. But for the most part, they can do what they do without me, and most people wouldn't know by watching the final product. I guess I make the internal workings hopefully go more like an oiled machine and everyone (hopefully) ends up happier in the end (cause they actually got fed, we did it for less money, or someone didn't have to make a last-minute run to produce some photographs - oh wait, that still happens on my watch...hmmm).

Listening my eclectic music mix on iTunes...just had Nelly Furtado and now N Sync, 'Gone', Jewel "Hands"...before that was Taylor Swift, Incubus, and WOW 2009 Christian music...I used to say I'd listen to anything but country - but Taylor Swift ruined my phrase! Now I guess I can say 'anything but hard-core country' right? I love music and wish so much that I actually had some true musical inclinations...I can dance, I can play flute (sorta), but I wanna sing, I'd love to play piano or guitar, something that I can use to share music, the music that I love so much... I adore worship and would be happy to just sing to God with an amazing band up there every night in church!

He is constantly teaching me. This week He is reminding me about forgiveness and grace in an amazing way. I have done nothing to deserve the lavish gifts he gives. He spoke Eph 4:14 to me and in that and the surrounding verses, He spoke directly, point by point, to a small pile of things I had been dealing with. What a wonderful God! He is teaching me (though I still have a hard time learning) how much He loves and cares for me. Teesha commented on the difference between making God first vs. making Him the center of your life (first sometimes becomes second, then third, and starts slipping down the list, whereas the center will always be that core) and I don't want to forget that lesson.

I am tired and just rambling typing so it's time for sleep now. If you read this, it would be cool if you left a comment, even if it's just one point you liked or disliked. Curious, but guessing no one will read and that's okay, I just need to get things outta my head. They've been rattling around too long up there - time to process and maybe that'll clear my confusion on life that's been plaguing me for a while...

Goodnight for now!