What's up tonight

I always think I want to start blogging again...I used to make up blogs every time I hiked, planning to share my insights (however small) of nature, hiking in relationship to God, and His relationship to us...and then I would never write the blog itself! I guess it was a good mental exercise at least...

I thought maybe I'll start simple. A few paragraphs about my day and we'll go from there. I think I get bogged down by the 'gotta tell the whole story' syndrome - you know that's my nature, in the details, of course - when in reality, I just want to share a piece of my life.

So here we go. Today.

It's Friday. I think it was something like 86 today...last week got into the 90's. I am loving the weather right now - perfect Phoenix loveliness. Reminds me of why I live here, when I leave the doors and windows open 24-hrs a day (helps to be on an upper floor), drive everywhere with all the windows down and the music up, the wind blowing through my hair...ahhhh...sigh of contentment.

The house is a total wreck. I'm packing to move next weekend and there are boxes everywhere - barely have walkways - some packed, some empty - I have this weird packing style where I need to see what all needs to get in the box, so I empty all the drawers and cupboards before I can pack anything away...so yeah, messy is a big of an understatement.

It's hard to be a single person when it comes to things like this. You used to rely on mom and dad's help when moving out to college, etc. And then you relied on your then-guy after that. So when faced with the prospect of moving by myself, I tend to go overboard...freak out a little more than necessary, inviting 50 friends to help move, clearing my calendar for two weeks prior to pack...

It's kind of a catch-22; on one hand, I feel like I have to get big and strong and take care of things, because no one else is taking care of me...and on the other hand I feel like that strength is not what women were designed to handle. Sometimes I just feel so...weary. Of all that life requires of me to live alone and be strong. I want to change out a fan for a light fixture...repair a broken cabinet...paint an alcove...put up a heavy mirror...take out the trash and scrub the Foreman grill. And I can do it - don't get me wrong. I feel more capable than most of the women around me. Yet so vulnerable. If I sit back for too long not moving, I just get this overwhelming feeling that I am not supposed to be doing these types of things. I'm so tired of trying to be strong in a way I'm not intended to be. Probably the same way (I guess) single guys feel when they need to buy and wrap presents for people, bake a birthday cake, or decorate a bedroom (okay and if you're a guy and like doing this stuff, I'm not trying to crack on you at all, just trying to think of a common parallel).

I guess it just points to the different roles we've been created for...

In other, less exhausting news...

Saw my old housemate from college, Alex, for a bit tonight. I haven't seen her for 8 years! Wow...it's been a long time. She looks fabulous, living in New Orleans and working with FEMA.

Got a filling redone yesterday - and I think it made my jaw go out of alignment or something again...when wearing my NTI (tiny bite guard thingy) my teeth can touch in a couple places, and that's a no-no (the point is so that I don't grind my teeth to dust!) so I think I'll have to go back again...bleh...me no likey dentist :-( I realized when he finished on me yesterday, I was so weak I could barely stand. Took me a while, but I figured out it was because I had every single muscle and nerve totally tensed for the entire time I sat in the chair. Sigh...anticipation is simultaneously the best and worst sensation I think...

48-hour film challenge this weekend. Daniel and I are both 'out,' though I'm going to see if I can stop by for a bit tomorrow to help out. I came by the ideas session last night and Cori and Stronz had a good amount of stuff figured out...they're fine without me... Sometimes it feels like they could totally do without me and be fine...they'd just be a lot less organized and some balls may get dropped. But for the most part, they can do what they do without me, and most people wouldn't know by watching the final product. I guess I make the internal workings hopefully go more like an oiled machine and everyone (hopefully) ends up happier in the end (cause they actually got fed, we did it for less money, or someone didn't have to make a last-minute run to produce some photographs - oh wait, that still happens on my watch...hmmm).

Listening my eclectic music mix on iTunes...just had Nelly Furtado and now N Sync, 'Gone', Jewel "Hands"...before that was Taylor Swift, Incubus, and WOW 2009 Christian music...I used to say I'd listen to anything but country - but Taylor Swift ruined my phrase! Now I guess I can say 'anything but hard-core country' right? I love music and wish so much that I actually had some true musical inclinations...I can dance, I can play flute (sorta), but I wanna sing, I'd love to play piano or guitar, something that I can use to share music, the music that I love so much... I adore worship and would be happy to just sing to God with an amazing band up there every night in church!

He is constantly teaching me. This week He is reminding me about forgiveness and grace in an amazing way. I have done nothing to deserve the lavish gifts he gives. He spoke Eph 4:14 to me and in that and the surrounding verses, He spoke directly, point by point, to a small pile of things I had been dealing with. What a wonderful God! He is teaching me (though I still have a hard time learning) how much He loves and cares for me. Teesha commented on the difference between making God first vs. making Him the center of your life (first sometimes becomes second, then third, and starts slipping down the list, whereas the center will always be that core) and I don't want to forget that lesson.

I am tired and just rambling typing so it's time for sleep now. If you read this, it would be cool if you left a comment, even if it's just one point you liked or disliked. Curious, but guessing no one will read and that's okay, I just need to get things outta my head. They've been rattling around too long up there - time to process and maybe that'll clear my confusion on life that's been plaguing me for a while...

Goodnight for now!