Do I Sound Like a Screaming Child?

On the plane today, after sleeping probably 1/2 the way, I was awakened by a crying child.  It seems like the more I travel, the more I just want to avoid the screaming child thing.  "Oh no," I thought, "here we go..." 

The kid's cries were continuing on and on, and thankfully I was able to turn up my iPod and drown them out.  And I imagined how frustrated the mother must be getting with her child, continuing to cry and scream.  How embarrased she might be - or annoyed.

But then, inexplicably, I started to listen to his cries.  And I started to wonder, "Why is he still crying?  It's been about 15 or 20 minutes now..."  And as I listened to him to try to figure out what he might be crying about, I guessed maybe he was in pain - it seemed not the cry of rebellion, or sadness, but there were gasps and sobs and starts and stops to his cry.  I wondered if he was having inner ear problems - we were descending at that point, and I remembered my first plane ride as a child and the pain in my head that didn't stop, and all the adults were telling me to yawn, swallow, giving me gum to chew...

And it was at that point, when my frustration with the screaming child, turned to compassion.  I suddenly saw through the annoyance and just felt for whatever was causing the screams.  Tears stung my eyes and I quickly wiped them away - what would someone think to see this girl crying for no apparent reason on the plane?

Another wave of recognition passed over me again a few minutes later.

"Is this what we sound like to you, God?"

I was reminded of the many times I've poured out my soul to Him over the past few months - in gasps and sobs, stopping and starting, just like this little boy a few rows behind me was doing right now.  Asking Him to fix the wrongs - heal my hurts - soothe my soul.  Crying out to my parent, many times without words, because there were just none to express what I was feeling.

And He is there.  Listening, holding me, smoothing my hair as I cry out my day to Him.  In some situations, just like this little boy, He knows that I have to endure the hurts in order to make it through the journey.  But He is there, His heart breaking to watch us go through the pain.

I thought of this mother, who very well could be annoyed - but more likely was in pain along with her son, but staying by his side through the whole journey and through every tear, bringing him to an eventual 'happy ending' of sorts, and I thought of my heavenly Father.

Record Ripping Off the Victrola

So I'm going to be super-completely-stomach-turningly honest and transparent here...  Don't want to know that much about me - don't keep reading!  This is not really about anyone else besides me needing to get this off my chest anyway...but maybe it'll be encouraging to someone else.

I was browsing my sister's blog and the linked blogs over lunch here today.  I had clicked away from one and was waiting for the next page to load when a verse I've seen a million times flicked across my sightline and I mindlessly read it just as the next page came up, "1 Cor 13:4, 'Love is patient, love is kind.  It does -'"  SCREECH!!!

I almost heard a record rip in that instant.  Then God replayed a piece JUST FOR ME.

"Love is patient"

Ouch.

(Is that the reaction you thought it'd get?  lol)

I've been getting really impatient lately.  Sometimes, it feels like time is flying by as I am standing still.

In complete honesty - as much as I love my life and all the wonderful and crazy adventures I have being single - I very much want to get married and start a family.  Isn't it funny that that is so hard to admit?!  But it is true and I've come to believe it to be a God-given desire as I've watched it grow over time.  It wasn't too long ago when I didn't really think I wanted kids (I still have a deep-seated desire to take in a foster child, though)...and here I stand today, the thing I never thought I'd want, has become a goal that I can do nothing on my own authority to obtain.

So back to impatience.  Lately, I've been whining, as in, "I'm soooo tired of waiting!"  Frustration with the current state of things, watching what seems like everyone around me get engaged and have babies, added to a series of disappointments, has just been summing up to a big, "I don't wanna fight anymore!" impatience - that I'm just now realizing God is probably allowing me to go through...  Throw in a good dose of confusion on what part I'm supposed to play in this...I've got Godly, trusted advice coming in from every angle, ranging from, "You should wait and allow God to bring him to you," to, "Do you think God is going to deliver someone to your doorstep?  You need to get out there and meet people so He has a chance to work someone into your life!" to, "I'll laugh at you the rest of your life if you join a dating site...even if it does work, I'll laugh at the both of you."  What's a girl to do?

So here I sit.  And try to remember the point is, "Love is patient."  As my friend wrote to me the other day, "My thought is – if he hasn’t put the guy in front of you yet, that he is still working something in your life - whatever that may be," and,
"Let me remind you:
I serve a God that is faithful and always on time.  The God I serve answers prayers and gives the desires of the heart to those who are in according to His will."

So again I sit.  And remember that He is in control, He knows what's going to happen, and He will work His best when I wait on Him.

Love is patient...

First Blog on the Tiny Netbook!

So this is being written on the 90% keyboard, with the supplied blogging software, which kind of just absorbed my blog into a Word-like program, which is kind of interesting.  So instead of blogging on blogspot itself, I’m able to type here on my netbook, and, presumably, save entries to the computer and work them out until I’m satisfied and decide to publish them.  At least that’s my guess.

Typing on this little keyboard is taking a little bit of getting used to – I’m very used to ‘hovering’ over the keyboard when typing, and feel like I should keep my fingers a little closer on this tiny one, just to ensure I’m on the right ‘home’ row.  Would be interested to see if anyone has major problems learning how to type on these…

So one funny thing that’s happening, is when I hit Enter for the next paragraph, it seems to be jumping to strange places.  Of course, this could just be something hitting the trackpad as well, but not sure…

Nope – hitting Enter definitely brings me to the right of the next line.  Interesting…

What happens when I spend a night at home...

So apparently I needed two days to decompress from the show (see ...), but on my third night home alone, I whipped into action!  I have homegroup and my roomie's sister is coming to visit today, so I had a deadline too!

For homegroup, the first week of the month we do "community night" where we just make dinner together and eat and talk or play a game or something else like that (outings to frozen yogurt, art projects, wii games, etc).  Tonight we're doing breakfast and I have planned a secret project - we're going to decorate easter eggs!

So last night I came home and:

• made hard boiled eggs (apparently 14 eggs just barely fit in the bottom of my pan.  probably should have re-thought that one, as I ended up cracking 4 of them when I drained.  oops!  hope adam had better luck.  they were yummy though!)
• made home-made flavored whipped cream (this is actually fairly simple, done it a few times.  buy heavy whipping cream.  chill it, the bowl, and whisk.  i found the colder the better - last night i stuck them in the freezer for a while and it turned out the best yet!  whisk w kitchenaid till it starts to hold shape - add sugar and flavoring [i did one Butternut Vanilla and one Coconut] - whisk on super-high-speed till it's holding peaks, etc)
• made fruit toppings (also a simple Sandra-Lee-style thing I do, buy canned fruit pie filling.  Empty them into a container.  I cut the pieces up to be smaller & easier for pancakes/waffles.  Added powdered ginger to the peaches, and cinnamon & and bit of pumpkin pie spice to the apples.)
• cleaned the kitchen (as in, wiped down all the counters, scrubbed the sink, rearranged stuff so roomie could put all her coffee in a cabinet instead of counter, etc)
• hung a big picture (finally!  I've been in this place since November and it took 30 minutes, but I finally hung this huge picture.    This is me showing off that it is PERFECTLY level - just bought a level and have no idea why I haven't gotten one before now!  It is fabulous...)
• Rewired the tv/stereo stuff (again, another thing I've put off for months and months...now everything is all tucked into the back of the entertainment center.  Roomie said this morning, "It looks so good!  I didn't think it could look that good!"  Yeah...I roll like that, LOL)
• Fell asleep on top of my phone (woke up this morning to ringing UNDER me...couldn't figure it out in my sleep-haze and then rolled over..."Oh THERE you are, silly phone, why aren't you on the bedside table plugged in like normal?"

All in all...a pretty productive night!

New technology...whee!!! Pt. 2

Continuation of thoughts from http://joyunscripted.blogspot.com/2010/03/new-technologywhee.html

I ended up cancelling the skin from Amazon before it was shipped, and plan to get one from decalgirl. They have rave reviews and TONS of options and what's so cool is you could get the same artwork across all your devices...so I could get my netbook, laptop, Blackberry, and iPod to all match! (yeah, I know...I wouldn't really do that, but still...)

What put me over the edge on the decision was visiting their facebook page. TONS of fans, and the fans actually go to their site and post comments about how much they love their skins, and whenever they post questions or comments, I see very prompt (and helpful!) customer service responses too! Oh, and the best was users had posted photos of their actual devices, and they all look really good!

Alright...just sealed the deal.  Found out they are doing a promotion on facebook Monday for a $ amount off for every customer up to a certain $ total.  Guess what I'll be buying on Monday???!  Oh wait - I don't know what I'm buying!  Haven't decided on a skin yet...here's the ones I'm leaning towards...

Voting time!  Which one do you think I should get?  Leave a comment on the blog for your vote!

New technology...whee!!!

I ordered a netbook tonight!  I'd been eyeing them for a while (probably at least since my roommate Chelsea ordered one for the World Race and we would skype each other from the second to the third floor, hehehe), and in the past few weeks and months I've been kind of watching them on Amazon a little more interestedly. 

Also, I've started realizing times and places where it'd be really handy and useful to have one around...the purple Dell Inspiron 1525 I bought myself Christmas 2008 (right), while wonderful, beautiful, and still a great computer, feels bulky, heavy, and just doesn't feel like it travels well.  I just finished a theatre show where it would have been pretty handy to have a little netbook around - there were times I needed to have internet access or a computer, but I didn't bring my laptop in just because of the size and heft and the fact I was already carrying two bags and my dinner and a drink, did I really have another place to hang a laptop bag?

So I ran across this little guy the other day: Dell Inspiron Mini 10 http://amzn.com/B002PY7OHQ

It was a little over $300 when I found it, but was most impressed with the TV tuner option it has...you can watch TV...right from the laptop...anywhere!  I thought that was just too cool for school - especially as my TV doesn't get any channels right now (don't have cable, and haven't gotten the whole antenna, digital conversion box thingy yet as I keep thinking about buying a flatscreen LCD tv...).  So here's the new addition to my technology pile...he'll be joining the other Dell, and the year-2001 Sony Vaio which hasn't even been switched on since I moved here (I should get everything off it and make it a Linux machine, but who has time for things like that?).

Specs:

• 
  
  Bright 10.1-inch widescreen display (1024 x 600) with a 16:9 aspect ratio is designed to present websites without lots of left-right scrolling, as well as with a smoother line of sight
• Watch your favorite TV shows with the internal digital TV tuner (receives over-air signals)
• 92 percent full-sized, spill-resistant keyboard with curved keys for easy typing.
• 1.6 GHz Intel Atom Z530 processor extends battery life and power efficiency to deliver excellent mobile performance and Internet connections on the go (includes 533 MHz front side bus and 512 KB L2 cache)
• 160 GB hard drive (5400 RPM)
• 1 GB of RAM (2 GB maximum capacity from single RAM slot)
• Intel Graphics Media Accelerator integrated video processing
• 1.3-megapixel webcam integrated into the display bezel for easy video chats and conferencing

• 54g Wi-Fi networking (802.11b/g)
• Three USB 2.0 ports
• VGA video output for connecting to an external monitor
• Stereo speakers with headphone and microphone jacks
• Fast Ethernet (10/100)
• 3-in-1 memory card reader compatible with Secure Digital (SD/SDHC), Multi-Media Card (MMC), and Memory Stick (MS/MS Pro) media
• Dell Remote Access enables you to easily access photos, music, movies and more on your home system using another Internet-connected computer. No more waiting until you get home to get the files you need.
• 2 GB of online storage with Box.net. enables you to keep important files online for easy access. Dell has partnered with Box.net to provide 2 GB of free Internet storage for every Inspiron Mini 10 customer. Store, access, collaborate and share any type of file through a secure, simple and intuitive web browser experience. Plus, you can purchase larger accounts to store more files.
• Dell DataSafe Online optional online backup service (additional charges applicable) offers data protection by enabling you to back up data to a safe, remote storage site using a broadband connection. Dell DataSafe Online is designed to be easy, flexible and secure. After setup, it will automatically back up data and help protect against software, hardware and catastrophic failure.
• Microsoft Windows 7 Starter operating system
• Pre-loaded software includes Microsoft Works SE 9.0 for word processing and spreadsheet work.
• Up to 6.3 hours of battery life
• Dimensions: 10.28 x 7.19 x 1.11 inches (WxDxH)
• Weight: 2.6 pounds

Now I've read a few other things on the comments, discussions, and reviews on Amazon, and also on other websites, saying it has an HDMI out, and that the RAM is NOT upgradable (soldered onto the motherboard), so there are some pluses and minuses...I've also heard Windows 7 Starter is awful, so here's hoping it's not bad and people just don't know what they're doing - or that I can change to another OS easily enough...

I don't expect to be listening to iTunes, streaming tv, and working in Photoshop all at once, so I think that 1GB RAM should be okay.  The main things I see myself using it for:

1. Travel: getting ready to be doing a lot of travelling over the next few months and it'll be so much easier without lugging the big purple monster around
2. Email/facebook: my daily regular routine stuff, I think it'll be perfect for it
3. Watching tv: assuming I'll be picking up a decent number of channels (ie, more than zero), I'll happily watch a little tv here and there, perhaps plugging it up to the real tv to watch on the 'big' screen
4. Blogging: would like to be blogging more so here's my chance
5. Sundays: yeah I know that's a weird one, but basically I would like something that can travel to the coffeeshop, and I can make notes at a meeting or just surf the web while relaxing during the day.
6. Skype: right now I only really skype with Chelsea in whatever country she's in that day, but I imagine I could start doing it more often now that I'll have the webcam built in feature...perhaps even start vlogging?  hmm...

It cost about half the price as my purple laptop, and I would say is going to be doing at least 75% of what I do on the laptop already...

Considerations I've had:

• What kind of data sharing model do I use between my computers?  How am I going to get photos, music, and documents back and forth, and keep track of what's where?
• How difficult will Windows 7 Starter REALLY be - and can I change it out?
• What programs should I put on the little bugger?
• and last but most important,
• Where can I find the most stylish sleeve possible???  Do I have to make my own???

Oh - I also ordered a netbook skin to help protect the laptop and make it look pretty, since it's a boring black one ;-)  Of course I had to get something with a LITTLE purple in it!  I tried to choose one with a dark background so it'll 'blend' in with the black better (ie if it starts peeling, or is too short in one area...).  I ended up ordering the regular laptop size, as the netbook size would be too short by an inch or two.  Since I'm getting the regular size - I'll have to trim it unfortunately, but they say that is easy with a razor blade (hmm, we'll see...)

'Course I just found a site that has way more designs and WAY cooler designs - they are more expensive, but they are custom-fit to the netbook size and have a piece that goes on the inside of the netbook to coordinate that as well.  The site is decalgirl and I can even get skins for my iPod and blackberry to coordinate!  Ahh...

http://www.decalgirl.com/

The end of MasterPeace

I flipped the switches...one by one, down the long column...and in response, each row of lights in the theatre flicked off. With one leg hooked around the doorframe, hanging into the funny little room with all the breakers for the theatre, I shut down the lights as I've done so, so many times before. Most nights of rehearsal and performance, this is my job. Except I went much slower tonight, because this time, I realized, would probably be the last. The finality hit me in that moment, and I got a little nostalgic.

Tonight, an end of a (short) era for me. I've been working with MasterPeace Productions and Laney since the summer show last year, 2009, and tonight was our last show. Laney is leaving employment with the church (First Baptist Church of Scottsdale) to do something else, and that most likely means that MasterPeace will be no more. Even if someone else does take over, its uncertain that I'd continue, so at this point I'm saying goodbye.

This show (Cheaper by the Dozen), has been an interesting learning and growing experience for me...12 kids is a lot, regardless if you have experience handling kids or not. I do not. So that was an interesting thing...learning how to motivate kids - and adults alike. God has been teaching me things about relationships at the same time this has been going, so it's been quite the stretching exercise.

Not too much more to say at the moment. I'll be taking a short break and have the next few months sketched out as far as next projects, but mostly they involve travel.

I'm supposed to attend a week-long training class in San Francisco in April, assuming my company will send me. Attached to that trip, I should be spending the prior weekend with my best friend Amanda in nearby Santa Cruz. And sometime in April I'm going to visit pregnant best friend Teesha in San Diego for the weekend.

May...church weekend trip to Lost Canyon with a bunch of other church young adult groups...looks like it'll be an awesome time.

June brings a 10-day trip home to VA for my sister Grace's wedding. It's 2 days before my birthday, and I fly out the day after. Oh, and on that note, I've decided no more big birthday parties...the big three-oh last year was the last one...

July...err...do I have anything scheduled yet?

August...Teesha's baby is due, and in her mind, she thinks she's gonna call me when she goes into labor, I'm going to hop in a plane, and be there for the birth. She's always had this idea, even before she got pregnant. I dunno how it'll work, but we'll see!

Somewhere in there we'll be doing some major film stuff with VerticalBlu, and I'll probably be doing a lot of church volunteer projects, and wedding stuff with Grace. So I guess I'll hold off on committing to any new theatre stuff till after August, huh...

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'The One'

A line from a play or letter or blog or something from my college days just jumped into my memory.  Something along the lines of, "...you're out there searching, searching for 'The One', then suddenly you find him or her and everything is amazing, until you realize, he/she's not 'The One', but you figure 'The One' is out there so you go back out and search and find another 'One', until you realize, that person, too, is not 'The One', and you continue round and round this mad circle..."

Well I remember it so much better than that, so it must've been well written, but I've lost the edge of the writing with time and sleeplessness, of course.  But I remember agreeing with it so heartily back in college...all those musings on life and love during that period...

And now, just now, when it popped into my head, another thought popped up right behind it.  "'The One' is not a man or woman..." 

Wow...all this time - it's just hit me like a lighting bolt.  'The One' is Him...God himself...come on now, why wasn't this completely utterly smashingly obvious before? 

We're all searching for God - but we replace Him with someone else instead - attribute a potential beau with all the lovely things we really should be looking to God for...He'll support us - love us - protect us - guide us - complete us - hold us - speak to us - listen to us - provide for us...but when 'The One' human doesn't live up to our expectations (which are of God), the dream is shattered and we can't understand why he/she's not 'The One' after all.  We pour ourselves into this relationship that's a shallow pool's reflection of the depth and width and height and breadth of God's true relationship with us.

And we wonder why we're always disappointed.

Set your sights on things above and away from this world and you will be filled with the everlasting satisfaction that comes from knowing and loving our God the King.

God speaks...even at 1:20am from a random person's blog...

I'm lifting this from a World Racer's blog (someone whose blog I have been reading for a while tonight, linked by someone linked by someone else on the team with my old roommate Chelsea...basically, God's taking me through some amazing blogs and pointing out specific things to me and I'm just reading and crying and praying intermittently all night...thank you Lord...)

http://marissavilla.theworldrace.org/?filename=starbucks


Dear Child,


Dream big dreams. Many of your dreams are my dreams for your life. I share your excitement for the future, and I have big plans for you. I have held them in my heart since before you were born. I want to see them become a reality as much as you do. Trust me to fulfill my plans for your life. I have a path in mind for you to follow. Trust and follow me on your journey. With me, all things are possible...only believe. Depend on the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3

Love, God

My testimony, first draft

Here's the text of my testimony I am working on...would welcome all constructive critisms...don't be shy, I need some editing help now...



Although I grew up in a Christian home and understood the Bible, looking back I can see that I was a participant more than a believer. As I moved into high school and college, my parents’ faith never really felt like it was mine. I began to search for a fun life – and more and more began to lean on friends, activities, men, and alcohol to have fun. But the more I searched for fun, the lower I got. After college, I ended up living with and engaged to a non-Christian for five years. After chasing my own brand of happiness and what I thought I wanted for my life, I had dropped to an extreme low. I had closed down most of the good relationships in my life (including my family) and clung to my fiancée because for some reason, I thought he was providing for me – but in actuality, all of the finances (and therefore, debt) were my burden. My life consisted of going to work, coming home, and watching TV every night and most weekends. I had gone from a very active and motivated person to one who barely left the house and didn’t see where her life was headed – and didn’t really care.

A few weeks after finally breaking up with my fiancée, I woke up with an overwhelming desire to go to church. I knew I had to make a change, and God provided a loving place for me to make my recovery. I remember attending that first service and just feeling His love wrap around me like a big hug. I quickly realized He had been waiting for me this whole time – while I was off living my life on my terms, He was waiting and willing to forgive me for all my sins. I learned and finally really understood the real gospel – that we are separated from a perfect God because of our sin – but that He made a way to bridge that gap by coming as a man to die for our sins.

I slowly began to break out of the rubble that I had piled on my life. God surfaced my personality – I found Joy again in the literal and figurative sense. Where once money was my worry and obsession, He brought me through a series of very specific circumstances to free my heart from financial anxiety, and show me how He would provide for me – I needed to trust in Him, not myself or any other man.

Today, I want to tell my story in case someone else is in the situation I was in. As much as you try, you can’t do it on your own – get out of a relationship, out of depression, out of debt – but you can with God. My life is still tough at times and I’m still paying off the last of my debt four years later – but I now have hope and a purpose, and above all, I have a relationship with One who will never fail me. Now all I can do is thank Him for His grace, His provision, His mercy, and for not letting me marry that guy.

My heart

My heart yearns for relationships. To be built, to be sustained, to be transformed by You. You are the holy one, the Savior that was promised. I pray for each relationship I have. I cover them in protective prayer. I cover my friends and family in His grace and mercy. I cry out for those that don't know You...and those that have strayed from You. My tears cannot amount to Your blood shed for us in Your great sacrifice.

What is your grace? How do we accept this gift without anything to equal the balance? We will never live close to Your perfection - yet You want us anyway. How can this be? How can You want this imperfect people?

It all comes back to relationship. How can a father not desire his children? How then can a Father not desire his children? Even when they pull away...He is still there waiting and tugging their dirty sleeve.

We realize He is tugging...and try to pull away...some of us try to clean up the sleeve on our own - but knowing it'll never be crisp and clean and white again, for our sin is splashed across in bright reds. Then some of us turn, dirty sleeve, dirty face, dirty heart. We turn to Him, and He is waiting. We run to Him, dirty as we are, and as we pull away from the huge bear hug, we look down to our starched white shirt, no hint of stain because He has taken it all.

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