WOW. What to say? This has been one of the most incredible weeks of my life. I'm still putting all these thoughts, emotions, and stories together in my head. So much to tell and yet words can never express the whole picture. Even in this moment, I'm feeling joy remembering so many sweet smiles, hugs, and hands instinctively grabbing mine; thankfulness that I was able to be a part of this; sorrow as I miss the girls and staff; regret for things unsaid; trepidation for the future of these precious children; but above all, hope for the future knowing that God is in control. Jer 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I normally like to tell stories chronologically, but this one is still all over for me. I've got two little girls' stories interweaving with my own struggles, and the actual camp itself along with stories of other campers. Makes for difficult storytelling, at least for me!
About the camp:
The kids that come to RFKC are in the foster system - this means in foster care (either a family member or a stranger) or a foster home. Most of them have gone through abuse of some sort (there are 4 types of abuse: neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and psychological abuse), many are on heavy medications. They deal with a range of reactions to their situations - some act out, some withdraw, and some seem completely 'normal'. I read these things and heard these things, but until I met the kids it really didn't mean anything to me.
One of the best pieces of advice I heard all week - "This is not who these kids are. Those actions are a product of their environment." You learn to separate the action from who the child is and quickly come to see a light in them that is probably not normally seen, if at all.
The structure of the camp is, well, an extended family. I was a cousin - basically a counselor, but because most of these kids have counselors at home, and that's sometimes a negative connotation, so we go by cousins. Cousins are paired up with one or two kids and they just go around with them the whole week.
Then we have Aunts and Uncles who 'float' around and are available to help just wherever.
Then, Grandma and Grandpa, whose job is to just give hugs! Our Gramma and Grandpa were so awesome, they got hugs from all but one the first day, and by the end of the week the holdout was going to them for hugs too.
We have Nurses on staff (remember the meds I talked about earlier), and Deans of Women and Men. And Directors and Bible Teachers and more people that I'm forgetting. In the end, the staff-to-kid ratio is about 1:1, which is awesome but also needed! There is a 'two-deep' rule, meaning no camper is ever alone with an adult, so you are always grabbing an Aunt or other available staff person when a kid has to go to the restroom.
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| Some of the views around the grounds |
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| One of the cabins |
We drove up, and once I got there, I was attacked by the worst allergies I've probably ever dealt with. NEVER saw that coming in a million years! Sneezing, runny nose (ran thru 2 packs of tissues in less than 24 hrs), itchy eyes (one day they were so bad they swelled up!). I ended up doubling up my daily allergy pill, so after the first few days this died down, but never completely, so that was one of my major challenges.
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| Example of a decorated room from another year |
The director told me that night that I would be getting another girl, so now I had two girls! I was a little nervous at first, but went with the flow and was just so blessed by both of them. I'm calling my original girl A.G. (she loved finding grasshoppers), and my second girl Miss V. Little A.G. is 8, has the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen (yes, bigger than mine or my sister's), and short blond hair. Miss V just turned 10 on Saturday, has long dark hair, and as Uncle Pete said, 'hazel eyes that seem to go on forever'.
Monday:
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| The playground |
At one point as I was showing A.G. and Miss V. around the room, we paused to read the memory verse for the week, that Cousin Carrie had written on big posters up on the wall. Another girl, A.Y., came up as we were finishing (the girls were reading it outloud and I was helping with difficult words), and wanted to read it too. She realized it was a bible verse, and crinkled her nose, "Is this church?" with such distain, I was a little taken aback by this 7 year old. I don't remember my exact response, but just a few hours later, she came skipping up to me while on our way somewhere, grabbed my hand, and said, "Cousin Joy, this is the best camp EVER! You guys do the best and funnest stuff!!" And I just smiled and agreed, and thought to myself, "Just you wait girly, we're not even 1/2 way through the first DAY yet!"
We took the girls out to the playground to kill that extra hour before lunch, and immediately A.G. wants to look for bugs with me. So we stay nearby the action, which soon turned to jump rope with the ropes that each girl got in their bag. At some point, that lost interest as well, so it was off to coloring (yes, all this in an hour...), and so some of the girls drew pictures, asked me how to spell my name, and later that night I found my name written over pictures of bears and under drawings of girls and next to scribbles that I'd not be able to tell you what they are.
Pretty soon it was time for lunch and I got to spend more time with both girls and I felt like we bonded so quickly, right then and there. From about then forward, whenever we went somewhere, the girls would instinctively grab my hand when we walked. I was showered with hugs from not only my girls, but the other girls in our cabin.
One of the things in the duffel bags was a small stuffed husky dog. A.G. had immediately pulled it out and named it 'Joy' and carried it with her everywhere she went, all week. She often gave it 'baths' (yes, in the sink, put it under the running water), sprayed it with scented stuff, fed it at lunchtime, and it even got to swim with us one of the last days.
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| Tony the Kissing Llama |
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| More animal interaction area |
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| More animal interaction |
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| Loudest pig EVER! |
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| Some more of the grounds |
Tuesday:
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| Horseback riding! |
I was "strongly cautioned" by some of the staff to skip the horseback ride due to the dust, they thought it would make my allergies worse. I felt a lot better (my doubled up allergy pills now kicking in), knew that I wasn't as allergic to the dirt dust as I was to nature, had been looking forward to the horseback ride the most of all events that week (even though I wasn't going to be able to ride and would just be leading the horse), and was anticipating a potential meltdown if one of my gals didn't want to get on a horse, and really wanted to be there for them (turns out they were fine). In the end I went for it, and was glad I did. I got to lead A.G.'s horse, and though it was a fairly long and steep hike up and down in what started to feel like the hottest part of the day, we got to chat about her family and connect some more.
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| Aliens on the moon? |
After that, we headed to the other end of the camp for a Nature walk. At some point we crossed a fence and were in the Tonto National Forest, which is about all that I remember from the actual nature. I think the girls were not as excited about this as they could have been. They were kind of all over the place...lagging behind, straying off the path to find grasshoppers and butterflies, complaining of being tired, "my legs hurt", etc. The girls started to get into various arguments and disagreements. It was pretty tough to make it an enjoyable hike, as I felt the same!
Off to lunch then we have what's called 30/30 - basically, supposed to be 30 min of a nap, then 30 min of quiet activity (coloring, reading, playing cards) in cabins. Us as cousins desperately needed that nap time but when the kids are up, you are up. We tried doing a 'do something quiet on your bed if you're not going to sleep' and that seemed to work well, except for my little A.G. She got bored quickly and seemed to run through all her things to do in the first 5 min. So she began dropping toys off her top bunk..."Miss Joy?" I crack my eyes and she is pointing to the ground. Okay, I get up, go pick it up and put it in her hand - her arm is slung over the bunkbed rail. She holds it for less than a second before deliberately opening her hand and dropping it again, pretty much looking me straight in the face to see my reaction. I pick it up and this time lay it on her bed. I make to go lay down on my bed again, and yup, toy on the ground again. We went back and forth like this for a while, I tried putting the toy away in her bag on the ground, I tried redirecting her to another activity, I even tried the idea of 'if you drop it then it will stay there and you just can't play with it right now,' etc, nothing seemed to work. This happened a few times during the week, and so I mentioned it in our staff debrief one morning. Everyone found it fascinating (while I was just slightly annoyed) and recommended that it's just one of those things she's doing to see if I'll be there for her - just keep picking it up, they said. So I did. My job at camp is not to discipline or try to fix habits, just to help her have a good time and be safe. So I tried to remember it's not about me or my desire for a nap, and all about her and making her feel comfortable and have a good time. This got me into some funny situations later in the week...
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| Bieber fever! |
After that, Archery! Again, we were starting to see some personalities and tiredness play a part in how the girls approached tasks and each other. One of the girls from our cabin (A.Y.) just did NOT want to try the archery, so I stayed with her and chatted while my girls were flying arrows left and right. Another little shared moment I'll never forget. She finally got a chance and of course, as was the case with her all week, she ended up liking it, and ended up doing better than most of them.
After all this, we got ready for our first night of "Night Angels". I thought this was a kind of respite for us cousins to get to go relax, and in some respects it was. The aunts and uncles or other staff came in after the kids were pretty much in bed, to watch them while we went up to the staff cabin. Little did I know, this was another responsibility we have as cousins! Every night, we write "mail" to the campers (or to each other!) that they have delivered nightly before bed. The idea is to just shower them with one more thing and I heard stories about how the kids will keep their huge stacks of mail for so long. Just before I left, however, A.G. asked me to read them a story, so I got to read to them in their bunks, about Flat Stanley. Another precious memory.
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| SOME of the cards *I* got |
I got ready for bed and once again my physical self was just done. Attack #3. I started to doubt if I was made for camp - 'maybe I just physically can't handle this' - 'what if I bow out, would an Aunt be able to take my place?' - then, realizing these lies from the devil, "NO! I know you brought me here God, I have pushed myself as far as I can go. It's not like I'm being lazy, I just feel terrible. God, I know without a shadow of a doubt that you put me here, so you are going to have to take over this body. I can't do this on my own. I claim healing over my body, I claim energy, I claim strength."
Wednesday:
Isn't God amazing?! Just when I reached my breaking point, He lifted me up. Not only that, but His timing is perfect. The first two days, A.G. and Miss V were relatively easy - but on this day, the stuff started coming out. But regardless of the difficulties I was dealing with, I was energized and joyful all day! It was amazing to get to the end of the day and still have so much energy and joy in my heart! I just kept comparing the night to the night prior and couldn't believe the difference!
First activity was pillowcases - the kids got to color preprinted pillowcases (from the Whispering Hope ranch - pics of Tony the llama, the ostrich, cabin, etc) with fabric markers. A.G. was already being fairly challenging on and off, but here is where I really started to notice it. Something would set her off and she would become "withdrawn" - this was on her application, and again, I didn't understand what that meant until I actually saw it in person. She would physically move herself away from the group somewhere, ie if we were in the room she would go to her bed, if we were out somewhere she would find a spot away from the group, but definitely in sight, if we were walking as a group to an activity she would stay as far back, shuffling her feet. It seemed nothing I did would cajole her out of this state. Eventually, I noticed that this behavior usually followed something (could be VERY insignificant) where she didn't get her way. At this moment, it was that I was trying to split my time between her and Miss V helping them color (they both wanted me to color their pillowcases). Thankfully, I also found that other people were more able to get her to open up when she became withdrawn, so I made that known around the camp, and a few words from another Cousin, or an Aunt or Uncle usually brought her back around.
After this, the Scavenger Hunt, which was mostly confused and combobbled. We looked for things like feathers, pinecones, and trash ("Something that shouldn't be in the woods"), and it felt like the whole activity and group was rather scattered.
After lunch, we thought some time in the cabin would be good, as the 30/30 naptime didn't seem in the cards again. So we asked the girls, "Who wants to paint nails?!" They got so excited! We thought we were going to pamper them - but then suddenly it was, "I'm going to paint Cousin Carrie's nails!" "I want to do Miss Joy's hair!" "I will do Cousin Jana's nails!" We were surprised but tickled...six little girls alighted on us to do our hair and nails. I ended up with one hand orange and one pink...I know there were blue, green, and other colors on other people. Jana got the most interesting hairdo - they sectioned her head and rolled each into spirals and pinned them to her head. "Ohhhh, Cousin Jana, this is going to be soooo pretty, you are going to have the bessst curls ever and they are going to last sooo long!" I managed to get away with a 3-pigtail look :-)
We then were able to paint the girls' nails and do their hair, but I somehow managed to get on A.G.'s upset side again. Sigh. She begged me to give her pigtails, and I said, "Yes, but will you put on your nametag first, since it's almost time for Bible Study?" Oops - didn't connect the dots till a lot later in the week, but I found her on her bed in a few minutes, another withdrawn episode. Was finally able to get her to come out to Bible study, but she ended up pulling herself under a table and would not come out at all, regardless of who came to talk to her.
Next, we went to woodworking - putting together wooden birdhouses. Because A.G. wasn't really speaking to me again, thankfully an Aunt was there to help supervise her, so I worked with Miss V. Ended up having to hammer the whole thing together myself - it was pretty difficult for a kid that age! I bet the boys had better luck than the girls.
Next, they took their birdhouses over and got to paint them. A.G. painted her walls without regard to keeping the colors separate, and in the end had a blue/red/purple background with black polka dots. Very interesting. Miss V, a lot more prim and proper, painted in the lines, blues on opposite sides, red roof, etc. Was such a contrast to see not only the different styles, but just personalities come out. By this point, I was definitely realizing that although A.G. is 8, she has an emotional age of at least a few years younger. She continually displayed behavior that you might attribute to a five-year old, and sometimes a baby. Oftentimes she swung between ages; I never knew exactly what I would get with her. But not to get overly negative about her - when she was sweet, she was one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. She shared without a thought all the time, and was always coming up for hugs or holding my hand. She is adventuresome and so brave. I know that little girl has probably been through so much in her young life, and I can't necessarily blame her for the way she acted at times.
So tonight is the BIG surprise - the BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! They actually served our dinners to our cabins, so that the dining pavilion could be decorated for the big event. The kids had no idea there was even a surprise planned...it was hard to not say anything! The girls at this point had gotten into the habit of asking, "What's next?" and after seeing me grab my schedule out of my nametag/lanyard, they started grabbing it themselves whenever I was distracted. Smart thinking on the planning committee - it was just labelled "Evening Entertainment." So the girls would ask what it was, and I would shrug nonchalantly, "Hm, not sure, guess we'll see." The fact that I didn't know a lot of what was going on that week lent me some credibility :-)
A.G. went in and out of her 'withdrawn' phases a lot that day. Dinner set her off because she wouldn't eat anything. I finally realized, after all the kids had left the table and were playing on the playground next to us, that she was still sitting at the table with me and Cousin Carrie and I wondered why. I noticed she started eating if I turned my attention away from her for a minute, so I actually turned my whole body away from her and watched her end up eating most of the dinner out of the corner of my eye. We spent the next amount of time sitting at the table, watching the kids on the playground, while A.G. alternated between sitting with us and hiding JUST within my sight at the corner of the building.
Finally, we got the word it was time to come down to the pavilion! We rallied all the Quail cabin girls, and unfortunately A.G. was still in her withdrawn mode, so shuffled her way down, trailing far, far behind us. I could not get her excited for anything. I thought, for sure she would brighten up when she saw the surprise...right?! I hoped, anyway.
We lined up in front of the pavilion. They had long blinds drawn so you couldn't see inside. Total yelling and commotion, and all the sudden, the blinds came up, and we are pushed forward into a tunnel made by cheering staff members, all high-fiving us, wearing balloon-animal hats, and decorations, music, party noisemakers, whooooo! And we're all yelling, screaming, "Wow!" "Oh my gosh!" "It's a birthday party for you!" ...and I had to pull/push little A.G. through all of this, as she didn't even crack a smile or change her expression. I tried so hard, and I could see other staff trying as well, but she just walked through that with her head down, shuffling her feet, etc.
Thankfully, Aunt Sandy saved the day. She talked to A.G., who had sat herself on top of a table to see the magic show, and somehow turned her around. Soon she was back to happy girl again, wearing a party hat and laughing at the magician's jokes, and having a good time. Even to the point she pulled on me to get me to sit next to her, and had Aunt Sandy just behind. ...that brings tears to me to remember. I think in some way, she might have been testing me the whole time. To see if I would stick by her or abandon her. She wanted me near her, but would push me away so much. It's the moments like that memory, right there, that made me fall in love with these kids and this camp. How much are we just like little A.G., we push God away, we run as far away as possible but just within sight, we try to do something when He isn't looking - and yet all the while we really just wonder if He will be there if we keep pushing, will He save me if I yell "Spider!", will He comfort me if I'm sad...
The funniest part of the evening for me was A.G., now happy and seated cross-legged on the table, would hand me and Sandy handfuls of goldfish crackers from a bowl on the table. After a while, I had had enough goldfish crackers, but didn't want to turn her down. I peeked behind me and saw Sandy putting her goldfish in a bowl! Cheater! So the next time A.G. turned around, I sneakily put my goldfish in the bowl too. So all night, A.G. would hand us both goldfish, we'd heartily thank her, then dump them in the bowl. Reminded me of the bartender who takes a shot with the patrons but then spits it back out in her chaser.
After the magician was done (and by the way, of course Miss V ended up as part of the show. What a social butterfly!), each kid got their own gigantic cupcake with a birthday balloon stuck on top. Sugar attack!!! They then turned on some dance music and moved some tables out of the way and a dance party broke out in the back. I and a few other brave cousins even got in there and danced in circles (this was more like jump-up-and-down-really-fast dancing, which was awesome combined with all those goldfish, lol)...then they called us all back and one by one, each kid was given a huge sack (think of a pillowcase, now double it) of presents.
We took the presents back to the cabin to open, and it was like Christmas morning and a birthday party but for 6 girls all at once! The toys were by age, but for the most part they got the same things. Excitement and grins from ear to ear. Monkey face pillows and matching slippers. Lip glosses and nail polishes. Zhu zhu pet fashion designer sets. Coloring books and markers. And on and on. I honestly don't remember 1/2 the stuff they got. But at some point, a few grins turned to frowns. The six-year old - "I didn't get the lip gloss." A.G. - "Here, you can have mine" then later Miss V opens her lip gloss and it doesn't work (have I mentioned this lipgloss is so coveted, because it SINGS when you open it?!?! never saw anything like it before!).
And now, with A.G. finally seeming all right for the first time all day, Miss V has a breakdown and cries with her head buried in her pillow. I talked to her for a while, but she continued to cry. I tried to ferret out the source of the crying, "Is it because your lip gloss is broken? We can try to fix it," but that gets no response. It seemed to me there was something more going on, but I couldn't get it out of her, nor could I seem to comfort her.
So I sat on the floor by her bed, and just rubbed her back, patted her long dark hair, and tried to just be there for her. I was there with her for a while, and other girls came up to see what's wrong, but she wouldn't talk to any of them. A few of the cousins and aunts also came to see if they could cheer her, but it really didn't make much of a difference. In the end, I just stayed by her side, with my hand on her back. And I just felt so bad that what should have been the happiest moment of the week, was the opposite. And I just felt her emotion, whatever it was, and I started tearing up as well. And I just kept talking to her, telling her how special she was and how all I wanted to do was see her happy, and that I was getting sad because she was sad... And I started to sniffle as I cried now, and she heard that, and turned around to see. Yes, I am crying because you are sad. And she dried her tears and gave me a hug. And while that was the end of that episode, my heart still aches for her and whatever was behind that cry.
Once the girls finished playing for the most part, and we got them in bed, it was time for Night Angels again! I showed Aunt Mackenzie where she needed to read for Flat Stanley and we were off to write some more cards! This night was so much different though! Even though my day looked like a series of difficult moments chained together by more challenges, I was uplifted - energized - excited! It was amazing to me - the day I most needed it, God came through in a very real way. I still look back and am astounded by the difference in how I felt vs. the previous days. And what I had gone through in that day vs the previous days. I couldn't stop exclaiming the awesome ways He had worked in my day, providing other staff members to help in situations, allowing each of my girls to alternate and not have challenges at the same time, giving me energy to get through the long day, etc. I cranked out a card for each of the girls in my cabin, and then another set to my two girls, and felt just great.
As I look back, I realize what a change of events this day was for me. I had finally surrendered all I had to God the previous day, had renounced the lies satan was trying to convince me of, and stood on His truth and what He has been revealing to me all along. This is where I belonged, and I was making a difference in these childrens' lives. A little like the Grinch, I think my heart grew three sizes this day. God grew the love I had been nurturing into a huge heart for these kids that I didn't know was possible.
First activity was pillowcases - the kids got to color preprinted pillowcases (from the Whispering Hope ranch - pics of Tony the llama, the ostrich, cabin, etc) with fabric markers. A.G. was already being fairly challenging on and off, but here is where I really started to notice it. Something would set her off and she would become "withdrawn" - this was on her application, and again, I didn't understand what that meant until I actually saw it in person. She would physically move herself away from the group somewhere, ie if we were in the room she would go to her bed, if we were out somewhere she would find a spot away from the group, but definitely in sight, if we were walking as a group to an activity she would stay as far back, shuffling her feet. It seemed nothing I did would cajole her out of this state. Eventually, I noticed that this behavior usually followed something (could be VERY insignificant) where she didn't get her way. At this moment, it was that I was trying to split my time between her and Miss V helping them color (they both wanted me to color their pillowcases). Thankfully, I also found that other people were more able to get her to open up when she became withdrawn, so I made that known around the camp, and a few words from another Cousin, or an Aunt or Uncle usually brought her back around.
After this, the Scavenger Hunt, which was mostly confused and combobbled. We looked for things like feathers, pinecones, and trash ("Something that shouldn't be in the woods"), and it felt like the whole activity and group was rather scattered.
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| Orange and pink! (this is me) |
We then were able to paint the girls' nails and do their hair, but I somehow managed to get on A.G.'s upset side again. Sigh. She begged me to give her pigtails, and I said, "Yes, but will you put on your nametag first, since it's almost time for Bible Study?" Oops - didn't connect the dots till a lot later in the week, but I found her on her bed in a few minutes, another withdrawn episode. Was finally able to get her to come out to Bible study, but she ended up pulling herself under a table and would not come out at all, regardless of who came to talk to her.
Next, we went to woodworking - putting together wooden birdhouses. Because A.G. wasn't really speaking to me again, thankfully an Aunt was there to help supervise her, so I worked with Miss V. Ended up having to hammer the whole thing together myself - it was pretty difficult for a kid that age! I bet the boys had better luck than the girls.
Next, they took their birdhouses over and got to paint them. A.G. painted her walls without regard to keeping the colors separate, and in the end had a blue/red/purple background with black polka dots. Very interesting. Miss V, a lot more prim and proper, painted in the lines, blues on opposite sides, red roof, etc. Was such a contrast to see not only the different styles, but just personalities come out. By this point, I was definitely realizing that although A.G. is 8, she has an emotional age of at least a few years younger. She continually displayed behavior that you might attribute to a five-year old, and sometimes a baby. Oftentimes she swung between ages; I never knew exactly what I would get with her. But not to get overly negative about her - when she was sweet, she was one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. She shared without a thought all the time, and was always coming up for hugs or holding my hand. She is adventuresome and so brave. I know that little girl has probably been through so much in her young life, and I can't necessarily blame her for the way she acted at times.
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| My nametag with the colored caterpillars they gave me |
So tonight is the BIG surprise - the BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! They actually served our dinners to our cabins, so that the dining pavilion could be decorated for the big event. The kids had no idea there was even a surprise planned...it was hard to not say anything! The girls at this point had gotten into the habit of asking, "What's next?" and after seeing me grab my schedule out of my nametag/lanyard, they started grabbing it themselves whenever I was distracted. Smart thinking on the planning committee - it was just labelled "Evening Entertainment." So the girls would ask what it was, and I would shrug nonchalantly, "Hm, not sure, guess we'll see." The fact that I didn't know a lot of what was going on that week lent me some credibility :-)
A.G. went in and out of her 'withdrawn' phases a lot that day. Dinner set her off because she wouldn't eat anything. I finally realized, after all the kids had left the table and were playing on the playground next to us, that she was still sitting at the table with me and Cousin Carrie and I wondered why. I noticed she started eating if I turned my attention away from her for a minute, so I actually turned my whole body away from her and watched her end up eating most of the dinner out of the corner of my eye. We spent the next amount of time sitting at the table, watching the kids on the playground, while A.G. alternated between sitting with us and hiding JUST within my sight at the corner of the building.
Finally, we got the word it was time to come down to the pavilion! We rallied all the Quail cabin girls, and unfortunately A.G. was still in her withdrawn mode, so shuffled her way down, trailing far, far behind us. I could not get her excited for anything. I thought, for sure she would brighten up when she saw the surprise...right?! I hoped, anyway.
We lined up in front of the pavilion. They had long blinds drawn so you couldn't see inside. Total yelling and commotion, and all the sudden, the blinds came up, and we are pushed forward into a tunnel made by cheering staff members, all high-fiving us, wearing balloon-animal hats, and decorations, music, party noisemakers, whooooo! And we're all yelling, screaming, "Wow!" "Oh my gosh!" "It's a birthday party for you!" ...and I had to pull/push little A.G. through all of this, as she didn't even crack a smile or change her expression. I tried so hard, and I could see other staff trying as well, but she just walked through that with her head down, shuffling her feet, etc.
Thankfully, Aunt Sandy saved the day. She talked to A.G., who had sat herself on top of a table to see the magic show, and somehow turned her around. Soon she was back to happy girl again, wearing a party hat and laughing at the magician's jokes, and having a good time. Even to the point she pulled on me to get me to sit next to her, and had Aunt Sandy just behind. ...that brings tears to me to remember. I think in some way, she might have been testing me the whole time. To see if I would stick by her or abandon her. She wanted me near her, but would push me away so much. It's the moments like that memory, right there, that made me fall in love with these kids and this camp. How much are we just like little A.G., we push God away, we run as far away as possible but just within sight, we try to do something when He isn't looking - and yet all the while we really just wonder if He will be there if we keep pushing, will He save me if I yell "Spider!", will He comfort me if I'm sad...
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| The balloon in their cupcakes |
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| Miss V gave me her sunglasses and ring - bling!!! |
And now, with A.G. finally seeming all right for the first time all day, Miss V has a breakdown and cries with her head buried in her pillow. I talked to her for a while, but she continued to cry. I tried to ferret out the source of the crying, "Is it because your lip gloss is broken? We can try to fix it," but that gets no response. It seemed to me there was something more going on, but I couldn't get it out of her, nor could I seem to comfort her.
So I sat on the floor by her bed, and just rubbed her back, patted her long dark hair, and tried to just be there for her. I was there with her for a while, and other girls came up to see what's wrong, but she wouldn't talk to any of them. A few of the cousins and aunts also came to see if they could cheer her, but it really didn't make much of a difference. In the end, I just stayed by her side, with my hand on her back. And I just felt so bad that what should have been the happiest moment of the week, was the opposite. And I just felt her emotion, whatever it was, and I started tearing up as well. And I just kept talking to her, telling her how special she was and how all I wanted to do was see her happy, and that I was getting sad because she was sad... And I started to sniffle as I cried now, and she heard that, and turned around to see. Yes, I am crying because you are sad. And she dried her tears and gave me a hug. And while that was the end of that episode, my heart still aches for her and whatever was behind that cry.
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| Flat Stanley goes to Mexico! |
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| Grinchy heart grew 3 sizes! |
Thursday:
Let's go out into an empty field and jump on inflatable waterslides and slide into freezing cold water! Fun!!! Haha, the kids got all of us cousins in that cold water and then proceeded to splash us - it took me quite a while to stop screaming like one of them! This was just pure fun. The girls and I splished and splashed and went down these inflatable pool/waterslide things and just had a blast. Even the stuffed puppy "Joy" went for a swim!
After this, we had a free period of time. Jana was lucky enough to be able to get her two gals in to the horses (they cried when they had to leave Tues), but don't tell - we're not telling the other gals. That got a bit tricky, especially because the rest of us ended up running errands. Off to this cabin to find a lost nametag, a stop by the nurse's station, I made a quick stop by myself at my car to pick up some CD's, a cleanup at the cabin, and then a stop by another cabin for handprints.
My car pit stop - as I walked away from the girls, I realized this was the first time I was alone all week. It hit me kind of quick and hard. God immediately was using this time to talk to me. He pointed out expectations - how I had so many and how they were so many of them wrong. I thought that A.G. was going to be easy based on her application. I thought Miss V. was going to be difficult. I didn't know what kind of physical exertion I would need. I had thought I'd have some quiet time every night or morning to spend with him and just processing. I thought a lot of things, and so many turned out the opposite. But yet, so much better. God was simply showing me how my small human expectations can be so wrong and how He has much much bigger plans for me. How expectations lead to disappointment if we let them, and how going with Him is the best way to avoid that. Things that probably don't sound so revolutionary, but were deep to me, in the 10 minutes I got at that moment.
A note about the handprints - these were a cute idea that director Doug used to send to supporters after the camp was over. I had forgotten about this episode until some of my supporters mentioned receiving them. Then another flood of memories. The girls were given paint and a foam paintbrush and were supposed to paint their hand then stick it on the page, easy enough right? Except A.G. was getting a little prickly again, and decided to paint the top of her hand, the bottom of her hand, up the wrist, all with as much paint as would stay (because the rest was dripping off everywhere). She grinned and giggled (a little evilly, I recollect) and just generally made a mess of things. Other side of the table, the other 3 girls were primly painting their hands, no paint anywhere. Look back again, and suddenly realize she has painted my entire water bottle. Great. No way that'll dry anytime soon, I'll just have to give that up for lost. "Okay, let's go clean up now..." She tries to hug me with her painted hand on purpose, and I somehow managed to get away without too much of a mess, and we go clean up. Paint everywhere, all over this other cabins' sinks...I clean it up and sigh. That's the closest I got to loosing my cool with her; when I look back it doesn't seem that bad, but I remember just coming so close to a breaking point then...
After this, we had a free period of time. Jana was lucky enough to be able to get her two gals in to the horses (they cried when they had to leave Tues), but don't tell - we're not telling the other gals. That got a bit tricky, especially because the rest of us ended up running errands. Off to this cabin to find a lost nametag, a stop by the nurse's station, I made a quick stop by myself at my car to pick up some CD's, a cleanup at the cabin, and then a stop by another cabin for handprints.
My car pit stop - as I walked away from the girls, I realized this was the first time I was alone all week. It hit me kind of quick and hard. God immediately was using this time to talk to me. He pointed out expectations - how I had so many and how they were so many of them wrong. I thought that A.G. was going to be easy based on her application. I thought Miss V. was going to be difficult. I didn't know what kind of physical exertion I would need. I had thought I'd have some quiet time every night or morning to spend with him and just processing. I thought a lot of things, and so many turned out the opposite. But yet, so much better. God was simply showing me how my small human expectations can be so wrong and how He has much much bigger plans for me. How expectations lead to disappointment if we let them, and how going with Him is the best way to avoid that. Things that probably don't sound so revolutionary, but were deep to me, in the 10 minutes I got at that moment.
However, Bible study was sweet, I think the girls started to think it's the end of the week or something. Whatever the reason, I ended up with both A.G. and Miss V's heads resting on my knees the entire time, my hands on each of their heads. Cousin Michael said later that I reminded him of mother duck with her ducklings under her wings. Smile. Another one locked away in the memory banks.
We have a talent show tonight! One of the gals in our room is choreographing a ballet for all of us. That includes us grownup Cousins and Aunt Mackenzie. Yes, we have butterfly moves, spins, jumps, etc. Altogether of course! We practiced to music (I brought in Chris August and his song "Starry Night" made the cut), and had Miss V. and A.Y. do bubbles for us (bubble wands in front of fan - yes!)
Miss V and A.Y. had decided they would sing a Justin Bieber song as a duet for their talent, but could not decide on a song. Soon, there was a blowup between A.Y. and her sister, but Miss V took it the hardest for some reason, and cried for a long time on her bed. Neither I nor anyone else could seem to comfort her and get her out of it, and she vowed she wouldn't do anything for the talent show, not by herself or with anyone else, even after apologies were given by A.Y. and she said she wanted to sing with her.
So it was a rough afternoon, between practicing the ballet, picking out costumes (they have a fully stocked dressup closet there with wigs, full costumes, etc - of course we all got fairy wings, and most of the girls picked out a full costume to wear under the wings as well - A.G. was a cowgirl, Miss V was a princess), and trying to cheer up Miss V. At one point when we were trying to rally everyone to go down to pick costumes, we had managed to get her off her bed, but she ended up sitting on a chair on the porch with her coat over her head. She got lots of sympathy talks from everyone passing by, but finally came out when Uncle Pete offered her a special position for the talent show (she and Uncle Pete made a special bond when they went looking for crawdads - we had another excursion at some point Tue or Wed to the creek, but I can't seem to figure out when that fit into everything right now...).After dinner, the talent show got ready! (Did I mention all of us wore our costumes to dinner? Yes, we were the cute little girls all dressed up, awesome!) It was a pretty big production, each kid got to show off a talent - first there was grooming a miniature horse, followed by riding (okay sitting on) a horse, then archery, singing, dancing, more singing, and one boy's talent was even clicking really loudly and running REALLY fast (they had to position a man on each end of the stage to catch and stop him). Sound system was set up and music in between each act, microphones for the singing acts, and background music for us dancers. The girls ended up doing the bubbles-fan thing for all the acts, they loved it so much. Miss V finally did agree to participate, thankfully, and sang a Bieber song, of course.
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| Closest pic I could find |
Once Night Angels arrive, off to staff cabin, but this time instead of mail, we are making albums for each kid. We were lucky enough to have two staff photographers, and their job all week was just to get shots of the kids by themselves - they can't really have photographs of each other as that falls under privacy stuff, kids as wards of the state, etc (hence why we aren't allowed to even have cameras at camp). So I put together two albums, one for A.G. and one for Miss V, about 15 photographs each I think, and all the rest (maybe 20-30 more?) get put in back for them to keep. There are a few pages for journaling to the kid, and as I laid out the photos and looked through the week, I saw patterns emerge and was thankfully able to speak to those.
I was able to see A.G. as a 'wilderness explorer' and adventurer. She is brave and willing to try so many things without a thought. She is sweet and generous.
Miss V 'makes friends with everyone.' She is friendly, smiling, funny, and always ready with a hug.
Friday:
Time to go home. Already? It sure doesn't feel like it's been a week.
It was hard today, not showing emotion in front of the kids. They knew it was time to go. A.G. hugged me in the morning and said, "I'm never letting go Miss Joy," and buried her head into my side. I frantically waved at my face to try and stop the misty eyes and just petted her hair and hugged her. During bible study I again had Mother Duck with two gals wrapped around each side of me, my wings enveloping them in hugs and love. I hated letting them go.
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| 2 bracelets made for me by the girls in our cabin |
It was hard today, not showing emotion in front of the kids. They knew it was time to go. A.G. hugged me in the morning and said, "I'm never letting go Miss Joy," and buried her head into my side. I frantically waved at my face to try and stop the misty eyes and just petted her hair and hugged her. During bible study I again had Mother Duck with two gals wrapped around each side of me, my wings enveloping them in hugs and love. I hated letting them go.
We finally got the luggage and kids loaded on the bus. Then we all jumped in our cars, and tried to beat the bus down to the church.
I think I cried on and off for about 20 min driving back. I was so sad to leave those sweeties and just kept thinking that I might never see their faces again. With no photographs and no contact...I very well may never see them again. I concentrated on memorizing their faces in my head. A funny look for Miss V. A wide-eyed expression for A.G. I want to remember these faces that changed my life, for as long as I'm able. I know there will be lots of new faces over the years. But I want to remember these right now and just cover them in prayer.
FOSTER CARE STATISTICS
NATIONAL STATISTICS
Did You Know -
Did You Know -
Yes, these statistics are shocking. The simple fact is that the children represented in these statistics did not choose to be abused. However, the statistics indicate that the abuse will have a life-long impact on these children.
What can you do to help?
If you've made it this far, you're either a blog stalker, have too much time on your hands, or have been touched by the stories of these children, like I have. Please consider becoming a Cousin or support staff at Royal Family Kids' Camp. Maybe even a foster parent. Not so much a hands-on kind of person? Perhaps just donating resources to Hope & A Future is better for you. Or maybe, just spreading awareness about this cause. You can share my blog with others, or even just 'Like' Hope & A Future on Facebook.
Thanks for reading and please leave any comments, would love to know if anyone actually read this whole thing!
FOSTER CARE STATISTICS
NATIONAL STATISTICS
Did You Know -
- 3,000,000 reports of child abuse or neglect are made every year in the United States?
- Children who experience child abuse and neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit a violent crime?
- 50% of foster children drop out of high school?
- It is estimated that nationally a foster youth change placements about once every six months?
- 3 in 10 of the nation’s adult homeless are former foster youth?
- On average, only 7-13% of foster youth enroll in higher education?
Did You Know -
- Currently statewide there are approximately 10,000 children in foster care?
- 35,000 reports of child abuse or neglect were made in Arizona last year?
- In Arizona, 1,300 children a year wait more than three weeks in emergency shelters for a family?
- 60% of child abuse victims also suffer from neglect?
- A young child is more likely to die of child abuse or neglect in the Phoenix Metro Area than any other area in the Nation?
Yes, these statistics are shocking. The simple fact is that the children represented in these statistics did not choose to be abused. However, the statistics indicate that the abuse will have a life-long impact on these children.
What can you do to help?
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| Do you know the starfish story? I may not make be able to save all of them, but I made a difference to that one... |
Thanks for reading and please leave any comments, would love to know if anyone actually read this whole thing!
This is me showing off that it is PERFECTLY level - just bought a level and have no idea why I haven't gotten one before now! It is fabulous...)
